A Simple Desultory Philippic

Stand Firm has a lovely post on three of Simon and Garfunkel's most beautiful love songs. That post inspired me, you might say, to write my own lyrics to a lesser-known but also poignant S&G ditty: A Simple Desultory Philippic With apologies to Paul Simon, here it is:

A Simple Desultory Philippic
(Or How I Was Rowan William'd into Submission)

I been Jefferts Schori’d, Susan Russell’d
I been Rowan Williamed, Frank Griswald’d
I been Bishop Lee’d and Kearon’d till I’m blind
I been Michael Ingham’d, and I’m branded
Conservative, but on Christ I’m standing
That’s the way to salvation, in my mind

I been “Jesus wasn’t resurrected”
I been John Chane’d, Gene ordained
Well I paid all the tithes I want to pay
And I learned the truth from the Episcopal Church
That all my wealth will buy me health
And I can drink some koolaid every day

I knew a man, his brain was so small,
He couldn't think of nothing at all.
He's not the same as you and me.
He doesn’t dig orthodoxy, He’s so unchurched that
When you say St. Peter, he thinks you’re talking about Peter Rabbit
Whoever he was.
The man ain’t got no religion
But it's alright, ma,
Buddha is the way to God!

I been Shelby Spong’d and Righter wronged
Bishop Moore, won’t you please come home?
I been “mother, child, wombed” - unfathomed
Been John Pike’d and Howard-babbled
I just discovered ECUSA’s tapped my phone

I lost my Communion, Rowan